Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover by Garrett Socol

Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover by Garrett Socol

(Inspired by the Paul Simon song Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover)


The problem is that he’s driving you insane

You cannot stand the sight of him again,

You have to act and quickly that’s for sure

Come up with fifty ways to kill your lover.

Just stab in the back, Jack            

Asphyxiate, Nate

Poison his soy, Roy

Don’t get yourself caught.

Hit with a bus, Gus

No reason to cuss much

Electrocute, Newt

Don’t make a fuss.

He punched your face and promised not again

But two weeks later he stabbed you with his pen,

Then he messed up your beautiful straight teeth

And now they look just like Stonehenge.

The only answer is revenge.

Strangle to death, Seth

Push off a cliff, Biff

Bash with a truck, Chuck

Then drive away fast.

Shoot in the head, Fred

Make certain he’s dead, Ned 

Add one cup of cyanide

To his apple pie.

Drown in the pool, fool

Unleash a pit bull

Hit with a brick, Nick  

Choke him with rope,

Toss off a train, Wayne

Smother in bed, Ted

Light him on fire

Then watch him expire.

Fifty ways to kill your lover.

Kinda Sorta American Dream: Collected Stories by Steve Karas

strange theater by John Amen

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