Drama, Vol. 2.1, March 2008
A couple stands in front of their kitchen window. A cow has wandered into their yard and is eating weeds.
Donna: Look, honey, wonder whose cow that it is.
Howard: What cow?
Donna: The cow there in the yard.
Howard: That’s not a real cow.
Donna: Of course it is. It’s eating weeds.
Howard: You just think that because that’s what you think a cow would do if a cow were to come into the yard.
Donna: I’m looking right at it.
Howard: How do you know the TV’s not reflected in the window? That happens you know.
Donna: I’ll go milk it and bring you a pail as proof.
She goes out and returns with a half-full pail of milk.
Donna: See, it is a real cow.
Howard: That’s not a pail of cow. It’s a pail of milk.
Donna: Milk that came from the cow.
Howard: Of course milk comes from cows.
Donna: Why would I deceive you? I love you.
Donna: I’ll prove it’s a cow.
She goes out and returns with the cow’s cud.
Donna: Look. She extends his hand, the cud proudly displayed in her palm. I got it straight from the cow’s mouth.
Howard: Don’t wave that ball of yarn at me like some forced confession.
Donna: What will it take to convince you?
Howard: Bring the cow inside, if it’s a real cow.
Donna goes out. She leads the cow into the kitchen.
Donna: Touch it. Touch it. Now do you believe it? It’s right here in the room with you.
Howard: It’s not an elephant.
The cow drinks dishwater from the sink.
Donna: Look! It’s a real cow. It’s drinking.
Howard: What a lovely bell!
Donna: And cows wear bells. See?
Howard: Are you saying the bell isn’t for me?
Donna: If you want it, I suppose…
Howard: Such a lovely bell. And these browns are brilliant. I’d love to paint the guest room with them.
Donna: The spots?
Howard: Ignoring her. Feel the strength of this cord. He pulls the cow’s tail. We can tie it to the bell. It’ll be excellent for ringing. Our guests will be able to ring for us if they need anything.
Donna: Careful, dear. It might kick.
She starts to lead the cow out of the house.
Howard: Wait. Where are you going with those beautiful black paperweights? Our guests. What if there’s a wind and our guests’ papers blow out the window? They would never forgive us.