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Job Posting for a Writer in Today’s Publishing World by Vicki Entreken

Job Posting for a Writer in Today’s Publishing World by Vicki Entreken

JOB DESCRIPTION

Today’s Publishing World has an opportunity for a highly motivated writer who has strong typing skills, takes pride in the written word, and can brew a robust cup of coffee. The right person will be working on unspecified assignments involving zero travel. Today’s Publishing World needs a writer who loves to provide a superior level of literary skills for our readers. Top candidates must be flexible and willing to work days, nights, and weekends as we are a write-on-spec type of business. This is an ideal environment for ambitious individuals who want to grow, and overtime may be necessary, so the ability to ignore your spouse, your children, and your friends for undetermined periods of time is crucial. Writing must come first.

MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS

To be considered for a full-time position, you must:

  • Execute proficient use of Microsoft Word, including tracking and markup features.
  • Work in complete solitude and reflection. Introversion is a plus.
  • Be willing to carry a notebook and pencil with you at all times, even when sleeping.
  • Have purchased a subscription at any time in the past five years to self-teaching craft magazines such as Writer’s Digest, Poets & Writers, The Writer, and others.
  • Be comfortable working on your ass. This is a sedentary job.
  • Possess the ability to lift four or more cups of coffee or tea during one shift.
  • Have completed your GED, or BA degree, or MFA degree. In the end, it really doesn’t matter, because it’s all about the writing. (Degree may be substituted for 10 years of experience with agent/editor rejections.)
  • Publish 10-15 Facebook posts per week related to being a writer or an MFA student. (Photos of your writing space or your tabby lying on the keyboard are encouraged.)
  • Be open to agent/editor hacking of your manuscript (min. of 12 revisions).
  • Utilize the Oxford comma at all times.

PREFERRED QUALIFICATIONS

  • PhDs in English, Literature, and Creative Writing with a minimum of one book published in each of the literary genres (fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and drama) by a major publishing house such as Penguin Random House or Simon & Schuster.
  • Excellent communication skills: verbal, written (duh), and presentation.
  • Ability to maintain positive and effective work relationships with your muse.  (If your muse isn’t already established, we can provide one for you.)
  • Guest-edited more than 10 anthologies in the past five years.
  • Presented a seminar and read from your work as Visiting Author at a minimum of five different universities and/or writing conferences.
  • Published the fifth revised edition of your own craft book.
  • Awarded at least three fellowships, or have had a book on The New York Times bestseller list for more than six weeks. Fellowship and bestseller requirements may be substituted for a Pulitzer Prize (nominations don’t count).
  • Have acquired no fewer than 2,500 followers on both Facebook and Twitter platforms.
  • Degrees in Marketing and Business Administration are a plus.

What do we offer?

  • Competitive starting rates of $0-.002c per word, depending on experience.
  • Rapid career rejection.
  • Unpaid holidays and vacations.
  • Comprehensive overpriced degree opportunities & more.
  • Mathematics not necessary!

By creating the worst possible environment, compensation, benefits package, and career development opportunities, we strive to allow our writers to wane in their goals and to seek rejection regularly. We offer positions in multiple disciplines ranging from best-sellers and fellows to never-been-published and asked to please give it up. By offering development opportunities, we are preparing our writers to fail and be rejected professionally.

EOE. Drug/Alcohol-induced workplace. Background publication history checks required.

Photography: Mark Wyatt

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