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HOUSE TURNED INTO BLACK HOLE THAT SUCKS UP BOOKS, OTHER PRINT MATERIALS by Janine Annett

HOUSE TURNED INTO BLACK HOLE THAT SUCKS UP BOOKS, OTHER PRINT MATERIALS by Janine Annett

(Larchmont, NY) — Area residents Jane and Tom Wald have reported to local authorities that their house has unexpectedly turned into a black hole that sucks up books and other printed materials.

“For better or for worse, we’re die-hard print addicts in our house,” explains Tom. “We have subscriptions to 6 newspapers, 12 magazines, we support our local independent bookstores, and we have Amazon Prime. We have six years’ worth of back issues of The New Yorker.” Jane added, “We read everything, from classic novels to the latest non-fiction. Plus, our kid is also learning to read and loves picture books and is already starting to get into chapter books. I also occasionally read a fashion magazine, I’m not going to lie.”

The house, located at 42 Maple Avenue, is a two-story, three-bedroom craftsman style house built in 1930. The owners already had several large bookcases upon their move into the house in 2013, but over time the books seemed to expand and multiply, eventually forming into towering piles that took up space wherever a bare spot on a floor could be found.

“A few weeks ago, I asked myself, ‘Where’s that copy of On Writing I bought a few months ago?’ I didn’t think much of it at the time, but then I realized I also couldn’t find the book I recently bought about the opioid epidemic threatening America,” Jane said. “That’s when I figured out the book had been swallowed by a book pile and realized maybe we had a problem. I mean, just the spontaneous book piles alone were kind of odd, but I thought it was pretty cool, so I let it go.” Jane said she attempted to call several area contractors to assess the situation, but none of them returned her calls.

Tom added, “The funny thing is—sometimes the book pile swallows a book, but then the book reproduces in the book pile, and the pile spits out two copies of the same book.” Jane replied, “Same edition or different ones?” Tom was unable to confirm, since the books had once again been swallowed by the towering piles as of press time, but he did say, “It would be very cool if the book piles could spit out signed first editions.”

Area residents should be on the alert for missing printed materials, as the house has started to exert a strong gravitational pull on books, newspapers, magazines, and even mail. The Walds’ next door neighbors, Kathy and Matt Jones, reported, “We were wondering why our newspaper wasn’t being delivered anymore, but of course when we called the paper, they just insisted that the delivery boy was delivering it. Turns out our next door neighbor’s house was sucking it into a vortex! Boy, that’s a new one for us.”

In This Season of Rage and Melancholy Such Irrevocable Acts as These by Kat Meads

Paintings: Carlos Franco-Ruiz

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